If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize