he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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