there's paper in my vomit.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
