she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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