I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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