You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
