she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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