I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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