I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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