The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
