I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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