Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
