Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
