ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize