You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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