I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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