i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
