I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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