I can tuck mytits in my pants
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
