She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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