When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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