i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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