I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
