im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
