My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
