Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
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