Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
