you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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