We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
