I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
