Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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