I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
