thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize
