I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
