How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
