I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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