i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
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