My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Randomize
