just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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