It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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