he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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