I'd wear matching sweaters with you
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Can you bring me the toilet please
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
