got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
