Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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