How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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