Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
He passed out mid-signature
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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