I met the friendliest cop last night
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
