Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
