i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
