This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
