she was so not down for the gang bang
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
