I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Just took my morning after pill in the library
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
