Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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