You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
