i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
