i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
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