OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
