I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
