So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
