I am in a vortex of obligation.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize