Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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