I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
