I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
