I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
