thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
