Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
