no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
