I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
