I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
