I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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